Facing My Darkness

Well HELLO! It’s been quite a while since I’ve been active on my blog. A lot has happened but a lot has not happened. I’m just going to start with yesterday.

So, I have been dealing with depression for a long time, for almost 8 years to be exact. It started to set in on the day my 7 yr old passed away. Now, although his death was unexpected (he passed in his sleep), I knew he wouldn’t possibly living til his teen years prior to me birthing him. Heck, I was even somewhat prepared not to bring him home from the hospital, in knowing that I wouldn’t even have a baby shower til after the fact because it was a great chance he wouldn’t survive birth. BUT GOD…

So for the past 8 years, I’ve been throwing ever so subtle hints that I was not okay, however people just took it as me being a “b*#@h” or just being mean and hateful for no reason. I was screaming and dying on the inside but on the outside, I wore a mask that told the world that I’m good. When I’m around people, that mask goes up and I’m laughing, smiling, cracking joke, or being standoffish. But on the inside, I’m screaming and crying because the outside person was not who I was. I was miserable, I had a huge void, I felt empty, I was mad, Pissed, angry. When I am alone I cry often, in my home, in my car. When I go to bed a night most nights I hug by son’s bear tight and cry myself to sleep. I’m miserable, miserable without my son.

Yesterday. I had an appointment with my doctor for a checkup of my blood pressure and diabetes. As I was driving to my appointment, I heard a voice of a child saying “today is the day, you can’t continue in this state”. I believe it was my son. So I got to thinking maybe it’s time to do something about these feelings, the a wave of emotions rushed over me. No crying but almost like a sense of relief, like finally you’re going to get the help you need. I go back into the room and the nurse is doing her precheck routine with temp, vitals, etc. She begins to ask questions about depression, I’m battling with my inter self about whether I was going to answer the questions truthfully or continue to live in my darkness. With the first question, I froze couldn’t utter a word. That small child like voice came back and said “you can do it”. The nurse is now looking at me to answer. “Ummmm, can you repeated the question?” She did and with a low voice, I answered yes to all the questions she asked about depression except the questions about harming myself or someone else. I laughed, the nurse turned and looked at me and asked me why I laughed, I said there was this one time I thought about harming myself but then my husband came home and asked me if I wanted to go get something to eat, lol. So, I chose to eat. I like to eat. Then I said to her it’s at least one person daily that I would like to harm but that’s because they have gotten on my nerves. We both laughed, and she replied, “yep, I get that.”

My doctor came in, asked me all her normal questions about my health, did her diabetes check, then I thought she would let me go. Nope, it was time to start coming out the darkness. She started asking me questions about my depression and when it started. When I told her she looked about me and stated, “you’ve never said anything. You’re always coming in cracking jokes and so pleasant”. I am that pleasant person but I really know how to turn it on when I need to. So we chatted and talked and I cried and cried through the conversation. She prescribed me some medication and told me I really should consider going back to counseling. Nope, not for me. Maybe in the future. She told me that it was okay and that she is here to help me.

So I have not taken any medication as of yet. I have a three day weekend coming up, so I will take my first dose Saturday morning, that way I’m home all weekend to know if there will be any side effects etc with this medication. I’m nervous, scared, but most importantly I want to be better for myself. I want to be able to process and fully deal with my son not being here. I want to not be mad at God for taking him. I want to not be mad at the people who told me to just have faith. I just want to be at peace and live in peace!