January 22, is a day that I have dreaded for the last few years. This day has been stifling. I would take off work, stay in my pajamas, stay in bed the entire day, and just cry until I couldn’t cry anymore. You see, 6120 days ago or 16 yrs, 9 months and 1 day ago, I would give birth to a miracle. A miracle because my second born would be born with a rare brain disorder called HOLOPROSENCEPHALY. A 16 letter word, that would change my life. A disorder that could have taken his life before it was even started. God knew that I would need an unconditional love in my life, and he gave me a son.
I thought I knew love when I had my daughter, I even thought I knew love when I got married, but when my son was born God placed a different kind of love in my heart; that I didn’t know I could have. I love this little guy with even inch of my being. If I could have 10 of him and all the work he required, I would without a shadow of a doubt. I can’t even begin to put into words the magnitude of love that I have for this little boy. I would give my entire life for him.
3,288 days, exactly 9 years ago and 1 day, the love of my life took his last breath and completed his journey on earth and transition to his home with the Lord, at the age of 7. On this day, my heart broke into a zillion pieces. For the first, 7 years, I honestly cried for him daily. It got better, but it doesn’t get easier. Every single moment of my day, I want him back. If God, came down and said that he would give my son back to live a normal life, I would give mine just so my family can have him. That’s how much I love him. All I would ask God is for 10 mins to kiss his face, hug him, and let him know how much I had missed him and love him.
All this week leading up till today, my anxiety has been in overdrive. As I was dreading this day. I told myself that this year I didn’t want to cry. I wanted to be happy and tear free. I achieved tear free, my first ever tear free angelversary. Happy, I can’t say I was too happy today but I didn’t cry so I’ll take that!
My Dearest Cameron,
I love you with my every being! You made me feel like I was the best mom ever. Please continue to watch over us. Continue to guide us to be our best selves that we can be. I absolutely love you. I’m so honored to be your mom and thank you for being my son. Thank you for shielding my tears on today.